What do these names have in common:

• Fred Durst
• Hulk Hogan
• Brittney Spears
• Jose Canseco

Besides being washed-up has beens, they're also making their own reality shows.

And thus begins our rant.

I don't know about you, but I was under the impression that so-called "reality television" was on the way out. Combine viewer apathy with shows like Lost, CSI and Desperate Housewives, reality shows seemed to be on the decline here in the US.

In a recent "Keep or Cancel" poll run by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette , the top 10 "cancel" shows were all reality television, and all but two of the "keep" shows were either dramas or comedies. (Granted, the other two "keep" shows were 60 Minutes and Monday Night Football.)

In fact, in the latest Neilsen Ratings (another joke, but I'll save for another rant), out of the top ten shows last week, only three of the ten were "reality" shows.

Yet, still, reality television is a blight on the landscape of programming. Does this surprise me? Not really. Given that there are so many cable channels (honestly, do we need an all-golf channel, or a channel dedicated to re-running soap operas from earlier in the day?), they'll have to resort to low-cost, low-overhead programming to fill a day's schedule.

What bothers me most is when "established" cable networks start putting reality shows that are outside their niche.

Example: VH1. For some reason, a channel that was originally designed to be an alternative to MTV, reaching a more "mature" audience, has decided to focus a lot more on these "reality" shows, including one called "The Surreal Life". (A show, I might add, that was a flop on a broadcast network, so they decided to throw it onto cable.)

Out of sheer boredom the other night (and tired of watching yet another Pirates loss), I watched a marathon of the latest season of this train wreck in slow motion. The concept is simple: Take seven has-been, washed up actors and/or publicity whores, throw them into a mansion, and film them as they go through an ordinary day.

Of course, the ordinary day starts when a "paper" arrives with something for them to do during the day, like horseback riding, filming a movie, pitching a new show to the network...

Yeah, right. These are things that ordinary people do every day.

There is no such thing as "reality television". If these shows were "real" they'd be so dull and boring, no one would want to watch them. Advertisers would pay for commercial airtime on "watching paint dry" shows, before they'd put their money in "reality television". You'd get far more excitement watching paint dry than if you'd have to watch someone going through their real day.

And then there's the concept of reality home-improvement shows. Yeah, I watch them on occasion, but these, too, are unlikely real.

Producers look for tension among crews working on the project. If there's none there, they'll make the tension themselves. Things said out of context, rearranged...doesn't matter if its true or not, as long as it makes for good drama.

Even the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy/Girl. Do you really think they do all that stuff in one day? Nope. Try three days. You really believe Thom can remodel one house, by himself, that quickly? Guess again, girlfriend.

And then there's Survivor, one of the granddaddies of reality television. They hold tryouts from all across the country, to get people to try out for the big prize. But, guess what? Some of the folks on that show didn't have to "try out". They're selected by the producers because for their looks. After all, do you really want to watch ugly people try and survive on their own? Nope...only beautiful people have survival skills.

However, given everything that's been said about reality television, its secrets laid, folks will probably still watch. Why? I have no answers to that one...

Part of it might have to do with living vicariously through others. They either want to see them succeed or fail, depending on whomever they're watching. Or maybe they've just lost the remote control and are too lazy to get up and change the channel.

All I know is that as long as you don't change the channel...or turn the damn thing off every now and then...they'll keep shoving the same shit down our throats.

Just remember those names I mentioned above.

• Fred Durst
• Hulk Hogan
• Brittney Spears
• Jose Canseco

They'll be coming to a television near you soon enough...